Humor from the Web


Comic Stuff from the Web, New stuff added at the Top


How to tell what is meant by the Drinks ordered. Good Wisdom


SINGLE DEFINITIONS




The Taboos of the past are disappearing just like "Hide and Seek" and "Kick the Can"












Why Sex became Dirty




INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.
Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. 

Why did the English build them like that?  Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. 

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.


So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. 

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.






A look at our modern social status.
This is an Excel file. Download and then open





 Childbirth at 65

Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed,  and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
 
 Growing very impatient, I asked,  'Well, when can I see the baby?'
 
 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
 
 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
 
 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,
O.K.?!!'    






The 11th Husband.... 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'. 


'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?' 


'Well, husband#1 was a 
Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

'Husband # 2 was in 
Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. 

'Husband # 3 was from 
Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

'Husband # 4 was in
 Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

'Husband # 5 was an 
Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. 

'Husband #6 was from 
Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

'Husband # 7 was in 
Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. 

'Husband # 8 was a 
Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. 

'Husband # 9 was a 
Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. 

'Husband # 10 was a 
Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him. 

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'. 


'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?


'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'..

 

This time I Know I'm going to get screwed !!' 


Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house”



Subject: The pie-eyed piper of Brighton

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said, 'How much is this bronze rat.'

The owner replied, 'It's £12 for the rat and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat. You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street he noticed a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions and they were running faster and faster.

Now very concerned, he ran down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate this all to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' replied the tourist. 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric or anything French.'




 

     And you thought you had seen it all  ?????
   
  ...... and it eats  bananas too!

 




RESTROOM SIGNS


Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men

Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
 
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
 
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
 
Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
 
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.

Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
 
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.

Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
 
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ
 
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
 
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.

Revolution Books
New York , New York .
 
If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives,

Washington , DC
 
Express Lane:
Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
 
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s , CA
 
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s , CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
 
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it

Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX





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THIS IS FUN?

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World Peace

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Trick Image, If you look long enough, you will see the beach

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New fashions for bathing attire from Japan

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Wonder when the new look will come to California

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The skirts are painted to look transparent Photos from Japan

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The following was copied from a My Space Blog. I did not write it and do not agree with all the thoughts expressed. It is however, interesting.

Here's a look at 10 things women say that drive men nuts.

1) "That looks cute." For the most part, men hate cute. We don't want to hear about it, we don't want to see it, and we sure as hell don't want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there's a 100 percent chance we're changing. We're supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.

2) "We need to talk." These four words shut off a man's brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.

3) "It's just a game." Actually, it's not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it's life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn't make sense, but you should be happy that we're that passionate about something. Telling us that "it's just a game" is like us telling you that Oprah's just a talk show host.

4) "Nothing's wrong." Please don't tell us nothing's wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We're not mind readers; tell us what's going on. And don't make us guess because—believe me—you won't like what we come up with.

5) "I sound like my mom." The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don't say it, even in jest—it's not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying "every woman ends up looking like their mother" is an old wives' tale. If we didn't, no one would ever get married.

6) "I just want to be friends." No you don't. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don't prolong the agony. Most of us take "I just want to be friends" as "There's still a chance," so if there isn't just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.

7) "Size doesn't matter." Don't lie to us. We know it does, and we're doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It's best just to not say anything at all.

8) "What are you wearing?" We're wearing whatever's clean or whatever you tell us to. We don't plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.

9) "Do you think she's pretty?" Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn't mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can't help it. It's in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it's best to just pretend nothing happened.

10) "Which outfit do you like better?" I'm going to be honest here—90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They're going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.



Send me your good and funny ones