Ladies, pay attention to what type of drink you order
when in public, some one may be watching.
Seven New
York City bartenders were asked Men, pay attention to what type of drink the ladies order.
Then You will know what a Chick Drinks mean.
if they could nail a woman's personality
based on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait
KIDS
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing. "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope." "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "
I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He
vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the
bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?" "I
wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.
PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN / WOMAN
Perfect day for a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
3:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
4:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked super model.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep
BLOND GUY
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten @#%*&!^, "says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
GAY JOKE
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS. Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and peanuts, ½ box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."
GETTING IT STRAIGHT
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."
HOTEL
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
HOOKER
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up.
The girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked,
"You are so old, how do you do it?"
"Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET -
"WOMAN"
General Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Discoverer : Adam
Atomic mass : 56 kg typical, may vary 40 - 200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties
1. Surface usually covered with painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied at correct points
Chemical properties
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known
reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation
in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Common uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation
3. Very effective cleansing agent
Tests
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
Potential hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
BIG ONE
A girl is having sex for the first time. Her mother says to her, "If you have any questions come down and ask me." The girl then goes upstairs and finds the guy taking off his shirt. She runs downstairs and yells, "Mom he has hair on his chest!"
The mother says "That is just a manly sign."
So the girl goes back upstairs to find the guy taking off his pants. She runs downstairs and yells, "Mom, he has hair on his legs!"
The mother says, "Oh, that is just a manly sign." So the girl goes back and finds him taking off his socks.
She counts five toes on one foot and three toes on the other.
She runs downstairs yelling, "Mom. he has a foot and a half!"
The mother says, "Move over this is a job for Momma!"
PAY CHECK
Q. What's the difference between you dick and your paycheck?
A. You never have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
MAN
Subject: In the beginning....
And God Created Woman
And she was Good.
And she had two arms, two legs, & three breasts.
And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself.
And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with this useless boob?
And God created Man.
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says,
"Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies,
"I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says,
"Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says,
"Pepper!"
Subject: Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now," said Wang, "get down on knees and craw reery, reery fass away from me to other side of loom."
Having done that, Dr. Wang said, "OK, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass back to me."
Once again she obliged.
Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your plobrem vaywe, vaywe bad.
You have Ed Zachary Disease...worse case I ever see...that why you > not have sex...that why you not have dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
MEN ARE LIKE FINE WINE. THEY START OUT AS
GRAPES. IT’’S OUR JOB TO STOMP THEM AND THEN KEEP THEM IN THE DARK UNTIL THEY MATURE. HOPEFULLY THEY’’LL TURN OUT TO BE SOMETHING WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH.
MEN-TAL ANXIETY....MEN-OPAUSE......MEN-TAL
BREAKDOWN. EVER NOTICE ALL PROBLEMS START WITH MEN
Q: WHAT’’S THE BEST WAY TO KILL A MAN? A. PUT A NAKED BLONDE AND A SIX PACK IN FRONT OF HIM AND TELL HIM TO PICK ONLY ONE.
Q. WHAT DO MEN AND PANTYHOSE HAVE IN COMMON? A. THEY EITHER CLING, RUN OR DON’’T FIT RIGHT IN THE CROTCH!
Q. WHY DO MEN WHISTLE WHEN THEY'RE SITTING
ON THE TOILET?
A. BECAUSE IT HELPS THEM REMEMBER WHICH END THEY NEED TO WIPE.
Q. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN?
A. A WOMAN WANTS ONE MAN TO SATISFY HER EVERY NEED...A MAN WANTS EVERY WOMAN TO SATISFY HIS ONE NEED.
Q. HOW DOES A MAN KEEP HIS YOUTH?
A. BY GIVING HER MONEY, FURS AND DIAMONDS
Q. HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR HUSBAND FROM READING YOUR E MAIL?
A. RENAME THE MAIL FOLDER "INSTRUCTION MANUALS"
What's the best form of birth control after the age of 50?
Nudity.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lb.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays??
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."