How honest are people likely
to be in describing
themselves or what
they seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the
most commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns, in the UK.
AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHT
Schoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.
ARTIST
Likes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot
of dope and talks nonsense about Esixentialist Espressionism.
ATTRACTIVE
Ugly.
AVERAGE HEIGHT
For a pygmy.
BEAUTIFUL
Her mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl.
That was 45 years ago.
BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHT
Dirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.
BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
"Bonding" is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.
BUSINESSMAN
Old, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.
BUXOM
Exceptionally so. Sagging, too.
CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
Sponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.
CINDERELLA SEEKS PRINCE CHARMING
Mousy dishwasher seeks a man, any man.
CIVIL ENGINEER
Plays with Meccano.
COLOUR IMMATERIAL
Sexy black girl sought.
COLOUR AND APPEARANCE IMMATERIAL
Sexy black girl with stupendous backside sought.
COMMITTED
Possessive. Control Freak.
COMPANY DIRECTOR, JAGUAR, YACHT, PENTHOUSE, ETC.
If normal, does not need to advertise.
Expect: illegal perversions, 3ft 6ins tall, Nazi war criminal, etc.
COMPUTERS, INTERESTED IN
People, NOT interested in.
CREATIVE
Once went to pottery evening classes.
CUDDLY
Man: bearded, drinks prodigious quantities of real ale.
Woman: has six children - breast-feeds them in restaurants.
DEEP RELATIONSHIP
Insert "throat" in above sentence, for more accurate meaning.
DINING, INTERESTED IN
Man: makes obscene passes at meal table, gets paralytically drunk,
throws up in partner's lap.
Woman: see "Large".
DISCREET
Married.
DIVORCED
Separated, and going through a very messy divorce.
DRIVES PORSCHE
Garage mechanic. Swipes Porsche when the boss is away.
ECCENTRIC
Extraordinarily weird. Possibly homicidal.
EYES, BEAUTIFUL
Remainder, vile.
FAMILY MAN
Discreet affair sought.
FOREIGN GENTLEMAN SEEKS PERMANENT RELATIONSHIP
Illegal immigrant; would marry anybody to secure permanent
residence in the UK/EU.
FREAKY
Certifiably insane.
FREE ROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISE, EXOTIC HOLIDAYS OFFERED
Nasty little squirt who can get a woman, only by paying for her.
GAY
So incredibly camp that the most outrageous drag Queen would be
embarrassed to be seen with him. Makes Quentin Crisp look like
Mel Gibson (though, come to think of it...)
GENTLE
Nonentity.
GOOD LIFE
Dirty weekends, high-stake gambling, general debauchery,
group sex, young girls. (i.e., good life)
GOOD NATURED
Can be taken advantage of, but whines a lot if you do.
GORGEOUS
Daffy ex-showgirl who was gorgeous about 40 years ago.
GRADUATE
Diploma in plumbing from an un-heard of technical school.
HAIRDRESSER
Gay.
HAIRY
Man: has more hair than a gorilla.
Woman: undergoing spontaneous sex change
LONELY
Has habits so awful that cannot be legally described in an ad;
deserves to be lonely.
LOOKING FOR MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP
Looking for father/mother for five quite appalling kids.
LOVES ANIMALS
...more than people; has fifteen cats.
LOVES CHILDREN
1) Paedophile.
2) In more than one way: roasted, fried, barbecued, en cocotte,
a la mode du chef..., ok, just kidding
MATURE
Menopausal.
MODEL
Prostitute.
MOTORCYCLES, INTO
Hell's Angel. Leather, studs, chains, into.
MUCH-TRAVELED
Long-distance lorry driver; if genuine airline pilot, has
tertiary syphilis.
MUSIC, INTERESTED IN
1) Has a $ 5,000 quadriphonic set-up that kill at a mile range.
2) Owns a cheap Woolworths Hi-Fi and a couple of ABBA LP's.
3) Plays the ocarina. Badly.
NATURE, BIRD WATCHING, INTO
1) Peeping Tom.
2) If genuine: be prepared to wake up at 3:00 AM in the middle of Winter
and slog for three hours in a marsh, to watch the mating dance of the
Scottish Heron.
NON-SMOKER
Smoker, trying to quit. Has fits and tantrums as a result of
nicotine withdrawal.
OCCASIONALLY MOODY
Suicidal.
OLDER LADY SOUGHT
Gigolo.
PLUMP
Female version of the Michelin Man.
POLITICALLY CONSERVATIVE
Wears swastika armbands, jackboots and an SS cap. Sings banned nazi
songs in pubs and gets usually beaten to a pulp by the other patrons.
PRESENTABLE
Owns a polyester suit.
PROFESSIONAL
Plumber. If genuine Doctor, Attorney, Architect, etc., has unspeakable
sexual deviations.
PUBS, INTO
Man: alcoholic; talks incessantly about soccer and cars.
Woman: Outmoded dollybird.
QUIET
Incredibly dull.
RADICAL
On probation for assaulting a cop during a demo.
RANDY
Suffers from premature ejaculation; treats women as objects
(and objects as women).
RITZY, CHIC, ETC.
Transvestite. Co-ordinates well, though.
ROMANTIC
Woman: Pre-Raphaelite type; totally spaced out.
Man: behaves like bloody fool; quotes Keats.
SCIENCE-FICTION FAN
1) Says things like "phasers activated" when switching on the headlights
of his car, "ET phone home" before making a phone call and "may the
force be with you" to total strangers. An embarrassment and a bore.
2) If the genuine article; watch out for little tell-tale signs, like
the gray skin and the large black eyes. Usually, a date turns into an
abduction
SEEKS GIRL/GUY (No specific details)
Not fussy, as long as it screws.
SEEKS SIMILAR
Utterly narcissistic.
SEEKS SOLVENT MAN/WOMAN
Golddigger/Gigolo.
SELF-CONTAINED
Complete introvert. Hermit.
SENSITIVE
Woman: highly strung; cries a lot; has five nervous breakdowns a year.
Man: 1) Poovy; permanently under therapy.
2) Gay.
SHARING RELATIONSHIP
1) You give, he/she takes.
2) Screwing relationship.
SHY
Retarded.
SINCERE
1) Promiscuous and lying.
2) Clings like a leech; Impossible to get rid of.
SLIM
Man: gangling, round-shouldered, 6ft 6ins.
Woman: terminal anorexia case.
SMOKER
Five packs a day. If you go into his/her apartment, wear a gas mask.
SOLICITOR
Articled clerk in Solicitor's office.
TRAVELLING, KEEN ON
Massive rent arrears.
TRENDY
Ridiculous; goes to formal occasions wearing purple leotards
and yellow plastic shoes.
UNDERSTANDING
Real live saint sought by loser with extraordinary number of problems.
VIRILE
Like "randy", but stronger. Has punctured his inflatable doll
a number of times.
VIVACIOUS
Freaky. Talks about herself non-stop in a shrilly voice.
WARM
Overpowering personality. Control freak.
WORLDLY
Travelling salesman.
WRITER
Unpublished.
YOUNG
(Seeking) Middle aged man after nymphet. Older woman after young stud.
(Describing self as) See "Youthful".
YOUTHFUL
Old, but pathetically infantile.
ZANY
Escapee from mental institution.